miscellany

Children arrive in this world unthinking and empty-headed, like idiots. We have to teach them how to be smart and knowledgeable thinkers like us.

A small child can run around and play happily with a stick or a leaf, because children are stupid and they don’t yet know how to stare at their phones tensely waiting for a stranger on social media to respond to your clever comment telling them why their opinion is wrong.

Children are too naive to know anything about opinions and ideas. They need us to teach them how to move their interest and attention away from the things that are happening around them and focus instead upon the thoughts in their heads, until the outer world loses its color and they can live without distraction in the inner world of mental noise.

Grown-ups are much better and smarter than children, because we know all the different words for things, and we also know the opposites of those words, and we also know how to make the words and their opposites fight with each other in our heads while we push salty starchfat into our mouths and watch talk shows.

Children don’t even know anything about politics. They are too small and simplistic to understand that we live in a country that is run by a Good Party and a Bad Party, and the Bad Party does bad things and the Good Party also does bad things but only because the Bad Party made them do it.

We have to teach children about the Good Party and the Bad Party, and teach them how to hate the Bad Party because they don’t yet know that there are different kinds of people and that you’re supposed to hate some of them. Children don’t even know how to hate until we teach them, that’s how stupid they are.

When you try to teach children about war they always cry like little bitches. Like pansies. They act like sending large groups of people in our country to go kill other groups of people in another country is crazy and disordered, when obviously it is they who are crazy and disordered. We need to teach children how to be sane and normal by any means necessary, including hitting them.

One time my child wanted some food and I told him we don’t have enough money for food, and he said we should just go to the “money making machine” and get some money. He was talking about an ATM, the imbecile. I laughed in his face. I laughed and laughed and laughed because he didn’t understand how money works. I tried to teach him how people don’t get to eat unless they have the right kind of numbers in their bank accounts, but he kept looking at me like I was saying something strange. Then we just laid around thinking about how hungry we were until we fell asleep.

It’s hard work being a parent. You get this weird little baby critter who doesn’t know how to do anything, and then you have to spend years of your life teaching them how to think, how to want, how to hate, how to fight, how to take, and how to stop sitting around all blissed out like a dumbass stoner all the time. You have to teach them and shape them so that they can take part in this wonderful society that we grown-ups built for them, and they don’t even understand what a gift you’re giving them, they just cry about it like ungrateful little jerks.

In the end though it’s just what you’ve got to do in order to mold children into smart and sensible grown-ups, like us.

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